


Let's try a highschool au

by viole_loves_angst



Category: ChroNoiR, Virtual Streamer Animated Characters
Genre: Highschool AU, How Do I Tag, I will try to leave out the angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, I’m not good at disclaimers ok, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Swearing, a lot of swearing, either slow burn or it’s as fast the speed of light, fluff??, i’m sorry lol, i’m trying, just teenagers being emo and annoying and dramatic, kanae’s kinda a mess, kuzuha probably is too and I just don't notice, ocs because I still don’t know other livers enough, unrealistic as hell because I’m a shitty writer, we’ll see in like 5 chapters, what are titles amirite
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 09:20:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29632449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/viole_loves_angst/pseuds/viole_loves_angst
Summary: The highschool au no one asked forA world seen through rose coloured glasses
Relationships: Kanae/Kuzuha (Nijisanji)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 48





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This thing has no affiliation to the livers involved. Everything is made up by yours truly, please do not talk about this in places where the livers will be able to see. What’s fictional stays fictional, please do not do any of the things I wrote in real life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you see new nowa fanfic: clickkkk  
> You find out its by me: disappointmentttt  
> You read it anyways cuz its nowa.   
> Have this highschool au while we wait for the college au one to update.

"Look who finally came to school."

"Shut up." 

"Feisty much?"

"Rightly so." 

"And why is that?"

No answer came. 

The blue eyed boy hummed, undeterred by the lack of response. 

"Don't like school?"

"Why'd you think I didn't come the first one and a half year." 

His lips curved upwards.  _ Interesting _ . 

"Oh I don't know." He shrugged dramatically. "Too smart for it?" 

"I’d say you were too dumb for it."

"And how is that."

"Anyone not on the board is dumb"

"... Someone’s making a lot of enemies on their first day back"

"I want me gone too."

He covered his mouth with his sleeves and giggled, ignoring the looks his classmates were trying to send him inconspicuously. 

*

"Hey! Pssst! Kanae!" The girl with insatiable curiosity whisper-shouted, nearly falling out of her chair as she tried getting Kanae's attention. 

"No, Junko, I do not want to join whatever club you made up off the top of your head today." The boy replied, not bothering to look up from his switch. 

"Oh come on!" She whined. "But! That's not what I wanted to ask."

"And no, I'm not telling you shit about Mr I Hate School." 

The girl snatched the switch from the boy's hands, holding it above his head and just out of reach. "You make it sound like you have a choice." 

"Junko," The boy deadpanned. "Give it back."

"jUnKo, GiVe It BaCk." She mocked, waving the switch around a few times for good practice. "Spill."

"I literally talked to him once, what do you want me to say?"

"Dirty little secrets! Why he came to school! I dunno? Stuff?" 

"Good luck." The boy with glasses cheered with as little emotion as he could muster, getting up from his spot and walked away from his friends, tapping two fingers to his temple in a mocking salute. 

The blue eyed boy raised two middle fingers and stuck out his tongue. His laughter echoed through the classroom for a long time before it stopped. 

"So…" The girl gestured. "Go on. Spill." The boy sighed. 

"His name is Ku-"

"We all know that. Next." 

"-zuha. He hates school."

"I think we all heard that part."

"He has white hair and red eyes?"

"Do you think we're blind?" 

"Blind or deaf. Flip a coin."

"Neither."

"I don't know what to tell you. You heard our conversation."

"You're just boring." She clicked her tongue, shaking her head in disappointment.

"First of all, fuck you. Second of all, fuck you. Third of all, give me back my switch." 

"Good one. How's no for an answer?"

The boy shot up from where he was sitting, snatching the switch in her hands effortlessly. "Should have done that ages ago." He went back to the game.

"Should have." She echoed. "Too bad you're dumb." 

"And you're a coward. Go talk to the boy if you want to know so bad."

It was the girl's turn to raise her middle finger now. "Fuck you for being boring."

"Go fuck yourself." 

The girl walked out too. 

*

"Kanae."

"Oh my. Are we on a name to name basis already?"

"Hey you?"

"Kanae is fine."

The boy with a permanent frown on his face stared at him with a dead look in his eyes. 

"Can you tell your friend to stop staring at me all day."

"Who and why do you think they're my friend."

"That girl with golden locks and green eyes. I saw the both of you talking."

"Just because we were talking doesn't make us friends."

"I don't think a classmate would steal your switch." He added as an afterthought. "Or tell you to go fuck yourself." 

"That was me."

"Fuck you, go fuck yourself. Same thing."

"You saw that? Jeez, Junko must be writhing in her grave."

"She's not dead."

"Sure she isn't."

The boy flashed him a smile, the kind that looked like they were silently judging you but also polite so you were left wondering whether you were just paranoid or the person meant for this to happen. It was definitely the former this time. He kept his mouth shut anyways. 

"I'll make sure to pass on the message. Though whether she does anything about it is a different story."

"Duly noted."

He turned around and walked away. 

*

"I told you to talk to him, not stare at him like the fucking creep you are."

The girl raised her head slowly, her emerald eyes gleaming with something he couldn't quite pinpoint. She held out her hand, the boy with glasses handed her two ten dollar notes reluctantly. The blue eyed boy raised an eyebrow.

"Sweet, sweet victory."

"You did that just so you could win a bet?"

"I did that. And then Itsuki here decided to make a bet with me because he wanted some quick cash."

"Wow, Itsu, wow. At least win if you're gonna try."

He scowled, they laughed. 

*

"Yo, Kuzuha." A boy he'd never seen before waved at him from outside the classroom. 

The boy whose platinum hair was getting a bit too long looked at him. Then at the blue eyed boy snickering on his left, then at the girl with insatiable curiosity smiling oddly on his right, and finally at the boy with glasses shoving coffee down his throat behind them. 

"Wanna join us for lunch?" The blue eyed boy asked.

"Sure." He got up and walked towards them, his eyes wandering to the silver earring dangling with every step the boy took, the light bouncing off it threatened to blind him though he knew it wouldn't. 

He followed them up the stairs, blinking in surprise as the door to the roof opened without resistance. 

"I thought the roof was off limits."

"And I thought you were smart." 

"I am. I also have a sense of self preservation, unlike you lot."

The boy with glasses snorted. 

"Self preservation is walking away the moment you saw us, or leaving when we opened the door. This," He gestured wildly at the situation. "Is not self preservation."

"I never said I had a lot of it." He shrugged, and the blue eyed boy giggled. He wondered if the boy ever laughed. He wanted to hear it. 

"I don't think we've ever introduced ourselves properly." The boy he'd never seen before cut in, a gentle smile on his face. It felt odd, out of place. He hated it. 

"I'm Haruka. The girl's Junko. The boy with glasses is Itsuki. And the boy who can't stop giggling is Kanae." The boy-- Haruka-- introduced.

"I'm Kuzuha."

"Nice to meet you Kuzuha." Junko winked, scaling the wall where the door was. Kuzuha bowed his head as a silent greeting. Itsuki and Haruka sat against the fence bolted to the cement while Kanae stared beyond and below the fence, a strange look of longing on his face. 

"Thinking of falling?" Kanae's eyes cleared in an instant, looking around a bit to find the source of his voice. As if he hadn't just seen where Kuzuha was standing. 

"Would you fall with me?" He held out one of his hands, the other one still gripped tightly onto the fence, and he leaned backwards. He would have watched him, the worst he could get from falling onto the concrete within that distance was a bump in his head, but Kuzuha felt a painful tug in his chest then, whispers in his ear, telling him to catch him, saying he'll fall, that he'll slip away. 

_ Do you want to lose him again? _

He grabbed the outheld hand and closed the distance between them in a blink of an eye, startling the both of them, though he made no move to let go. Kanae looked from the hand that held his to his eyes excruciatingly slow, like he couldn't quite register what just happened. His face warmed when he did, a satisfied smile on his face, red tinted his cheeks however hard he tried to hide it. Itsuki made a disgusted noise.

"You guys are disgusting." 

"Hush. You're just sore nothing like that happened to you." Junko didn't look away from the pair, her eyes wide and glowing. 

Haruka laughed. Kuzuha tightened his grip on Kanae's hand when he tried pulling away. He didn't know why he did it, but it felt like he'd slip away if he let go, and he liked Kanae. He didn't want him to leave. 

A staring contest ensued. Silence blanketed them, not even Itsuki made a noise. Kanae looked into Kuzuha's eyes and Kuzuha looked into Kanae's eyes. Kuzuha tried not to think about the cold hue of his eyes too much, and didn't have to, when the bell rang and startled them out of whatever that was. Kanae laughed awkwardly. 

"Tick tock goes the clock." Itsuki warned before shutting the door with all his strength. 

"Come on," Junko jumped off and held the door open for them. Kuzuha finally let go of Kanae's hand, missing the warmth his hand had provided him almost immediately, the phantom touch on his skin he couldn't get rid of. Kanae took one last look at the ground beyond the fence and skipped back with them. 

*

Kuzuha twirled his pen on the desk absentmindedly in the middle of whatever class they were in, wondering how he ever mistook the eyes he just stared into as sky blue. He wondered if anyone took a long enough look into the lonely boy's eyes to notice, or if they took just a glance and wrote them off as the first colour that came to mind. 

_ His eyes are pretty _ . They were more grey than it could ever be blue. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get ready for a super long author’s notes again.  
> 1\. Uploads will hopefully be weekly, or if I don’t finish it in time however long it takes me to finish the chapter. I don’t have a plot so I’m going in blind too. I just end up writing whatever the hell I write and hope it doesn’t turn out like a mess. This is also my first time writing a multi chapter fic that isn’t just one shots so….   
> 2\. If you came from my other fanfic, you’d know this isn’t my usual style of writing. But I’ve been influenced by another author so you’ll have to deal with this until I get my original writing style back. Which will take a while.   
> 3\. I put ocs in this thing because I don’t know enough about the other livers to add them. Two of them are from my other story and one is completely new.   
> 4\. I’m not good with warnings so just proceed with caution. I might write some particularly triggering stuff in the future. I'm pretty sure I will write something triggering actually, I have a few scenes in the future chapters that include me talking about some things I know very little about. I’m about 100% sure you’ll get triggered so you have been warned. I will warn you when the chapter comes again but just keep it in mind.   
> 5\. I can’t keep my focus on my writing long enough to check through it most of the time so if you found a mistake please tell me. I am very careless. So please tell me if you find a mistake. Thank you.   
> 6\. I’m switching between british english and american english, that’s just what I do in real life, with so much dialogue and stuff it’s bound to show.   
> 7\. I don’t understand why someone who has absolutely no idea how to talk to people decided to put so much dialogue into her fanfic. This is so stupid I’ll see you all in hell  
> Ok bai bai see you (hopefully) next week :)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kanae: Whaddya call a fish with no eye?  
> Kuzuha, not looking up: Myxine Circifrons  
> Kanae:  
> Kanae: fsh

“Kuzuha~” 

“No.” 

“Lend me your homework?”

“No.”

“Please?”

“Do it yourself.”

“Why would I? When I have you.” The storm eyed boy grinned at him, fumbling carelessly through his companion’s bag to look for his objective, his grin stretched wider and wider as they made no move to stop him. 

“Could you at least look quietly?” Kuzuha sighed, pushing the other boy’s hands away and searching his bag himself, slipping out a piece of paper full of messy scrawling and handed it to him. “Don’t copy everything word for word.” 

“Ay ay sir.” Kanae gave him a two-fingered salute, eyes glistening unusually, turned around and left the classroom laughing and skipping.

*

Junko groaned as she saw the completed worksheet in her friend’s hand, throwing the money she owed at him with a flick of her wrist, watching as it fought against the wind blowing in the opposite direction for a few seconds before pitifully flopping onto the ground in between them. 

“You can’t win a losing game, Junko.” He shook his head and clicked his tongue before going down to pick up the money. 

“It’s not even fair, he only ever lets you copy the homework.” She pouted, crossing her arms and leaning against the wall. “He straight up ignored me when I asked.” 

“Maybe stop pestering him all the time and he’ll stop.” Junko made a disgusted noise in the back of her throat, glaring at the cause of all her problems this week, and jabbed a perfectly manicured nail into his shoulder. 

“Get out of here before I rip out your throat.” Kanae all but smirked.

“Don’t be a sore loser, Junko.” He backed out of the corridor slowly, flashing her a wink. “Someone ought to pull you down your high horse.” And then he slipped out of her grasp and into the crowd, disappearing like he was never there. 

*

“Hey Kuzuha.” Someone he didn’t know greeted him. “You wanna team up for the history project?” 

“I already joined a group,” He apologised. “Sorry.” 

He didn’t bother watching him leave, twisting his body instead to face the storm eyed boy stalking towards him, his earring bouncing up and down in unison with his steps. 

“Don’t-” Kuzuha raised a finger to his lips, stopping his companion with his mouth half open. “Just don’t.”

“That bad?” He asked instead, turning the chair in front of them to face Kuzuha, his head rested on his hand. 

“I never knew our school gave out this many group works.”

“You get used to it after a while.” He nodded sympathetically.

“Our class is full of leeches.” 

“Fucking leeches.”

“Why can’t people just do their own work.”

“Too lazy.” He spoke out of the bottom of his heart. 

“I hope you fall into a ditch and die.”

“You’d save me.”

“I wouldn’t”

“You definitely would.” 

“Wouldn’t even notice you were gone.”

“Sure you wouldn’t.” 

Kuzuha couldn’t find anything else to say, so he just glared. 

*

It was physical education, right when the sun was at its peak. Nobody likes physical education. It was hot outside and wind was non-existent. There was nothing to look forward to in this class. But Kanae still did it, and he wanted to see him suffer. So here he was, though he just watched from the sidelines and never actually did anything himself. Until Haruka came. 

“Kuzuha,” Haruka shook his shoulder gently. “Come on, we gotta run now.” The gentle smile he always wore on his face. 

Kuzuha kept his face carefully trained elsewhere. He hated his smile. It looked too kind, he couldn’t find any hidden motives under it. Kuzuha didn’t believe in ‘too good to be true’, there were too many lies in the world for something like that. He didn’t want to see it any more than he had to.

So he got up from the ground and thought about clouds and cotton candy while dragging his feet along instead of lying down. It was better to run than to see that smile in his opinion. The sensation of spiders crawling up your skin was unpleasant, much more unpleasant compared to the smell of sweat and loud noises and his own pounding heartbeat. 

He hoped he wouldn’t regret it once the warm up ended and the real lesson began. He could already feel the sun scorching his skin. 

“Look who decided to join the class today.” Kanae slowed down to match Kuzuha’s snail-like pace. 

“I will not hesitate to punch you in the face.”

“Unnecessarily violent.” He turned and smiled at him, hair plastered on his face and red tinting his cheeks. “If it makes you feel better, you made everyone but Haru lose a lot of money.” Kuzuha didn’t even have the energy to feel surprised, or to blush.  _ Was running always this tiring? _

“I’m surprised anyone bet on me.” 

“Haru’s a fan of lost causes.” 

“Don’t you think calling me a lost cost is a bit too much?” Kuzuha was starting to get breathless, and he hadn’t even made it halfway around the field yet. Kanae looked him up to down, then tapped his hand on his chin a few times, pretending to think about the question before slightly speeding up his pace and said,

“Not at all.” Then he turned around and ran from the conversation, leaving Kuzuha lagging pitifully behind the whole class. 

Kuzuha wished he’d just sucked it up and dealt with that smile. It was only warm up and he already felt like dying. 

*

“Are you  _ revising _ ?”

“Did you think you were the only one?”

“You sure get shit marks for someone who studies.” 

“Ouch, Kuzuha, ouch.”

“Nothing but the truth. Also, you got that question wrong.”

He pointed to the question he just did, then raised his finger to the question on the very top, and made his way to the bottom of the worksheet. 

“All of these are wrong. Jesus christ you are  _ horrible _ at this.” Kanae slammed his pen down, speaking through gritted teeth. 

“If you're just gonna insult me then fuck off.” 

“Understand how I feel now?” He smirked--  _ smirked _ \-- at him, then sat down on the empty chair beside him, holding his palm open-- an invitation. “Come on, I’ll teach you.” 

And well- when he phrased it like  _ that _ … How could he ever refuse?

*

“Why are all of you-- ew--” She made a face. “Studying?” 

“We have a science test on Wednesday,” Haruka, like the little angel he was, answered with a smile. Though this smile was like asking her to kindly, shut up. Junko stared at him blankly for a while, as if unable to process the words ‘science test’, before shrieking and jumping down from the wall. 

“Shit!” Seeing that it was just Junko being Junko, Kanae and Kuzuha buried their heads into their notes again. “We’re gonna fail.” 

“That’s why we’re studying right now, Junko.” Haruka sighed, waving his notes in the air. 

“You’re gonna fail either way, why bother?” She shrugged, having forgotten the imminent threat of failing still hanging above her head-- all their heads-- already. 

“ _ Especially _ Kanakana.” 

“Still bitter about the bet?”

“Fuck you, study better.”

“Kanae.” Kuzuha cut him off before he could say anything more.

“Right, right sorry.” He apologised and went back to solving the question, nonchalantly raising a middle finger in the middle of scribbling calculations. They were so focused on studying they didn’t notice the strange look Junko gave Haruka and Itsuki, nor the equally strange look they gave back to her. 

“Test me on some of the formulas then,” Junko squeezed into the spot beside Haruka and Itsuki, hugging her legs to her chest and stared-- inconspicuously-- at the two boys just opposite her, stuck in their own world. 

*

“Hey, Itsu.” Junko tapped the back of his chair, bouncing up and down like an excited child, a smile playing on her face. 

“We’re in the middle of class Junko.”

“We’re at the back.” She pouted even though she knew he couldn’t see it. 

“What.” 

“Wanna bet?” Itsuki raised an eyebrow at that. “Whether Kanae or Kuzuha will confess first.”

He smirked at that. The group betted on themselves often, but it’s been ages since they last bet on something about a romantic relationship. This was bound to happen eventually, and not at all surprising, Junko brought it up first. 

“Who did you bet on?” Junko’s lips pulled, revealing her straight, white teeth. 

“Where’s the fun in that?” Her voice dropped. Itsuki felt the atmosphere change, and all he could focus on was on the way her lips moved and eyes that glimmered and shone like emeralds. He hated the way she could do this as easily as flicking a switch. He didn’t have enough caffeine in his veins to deal with this, he’s feeling helpless enough as it is. She was like this drug you just couldn’t help but get addicted to. 

“I wish you all the best then.” Itsuki mused, turning back to face the teacher before she found something amiss. “I’ll place my bets at a later date.” 

“Boring.” Junko whispered into his ears, her voice like before, and Itsuki had to fight himself not to flinch. 

*

“No, no no this is still wrong. Here, it’s like this…” 

Kanae wondered how many times he’d heard the same thing over and over again. He could probably recall the entire explanation without a single mistake at this point and yet he couldn’t do this question. They were both tired and frustrated, Kuzuha probably more so. 

“You mean like that?”

“Well, kinda?” 

“Kuzuha, don’t kinda me.”

“I mean, you could do it this way but it’d be so much easier if you just did it my way.”

“I’ll stick to this way then.” And no, he wasn’t being stubborn. 

“Okay, next question.” Kuzuha just had a talent for understanding and learning things really quick. Kanae wished he could steal even a drop of that never ending talent of his. 

“This is just using the formula.” It’s been an hour since they’ve entered the library.

“Hm? Where’s the force?” 

“That one. They gave you mass, so you just have to find the weight yourself.” 

“Ooooh.” He was starting to feel stupid. Extremely stupid. “The gravitational pull of the Earth is 10 right?”

Kuzuha nodded, watching silently as he scribbled down the formula, then the numbers, then the final answer, cheering quietly for his companion. Kanae hummed, trying his best to keep the corners of his lips from rising.  _ It was one question, you still got the rest wrong _ . 

“More?” Kuzuha asked, glancing at time on his phone. 

“Can you still stay?” Kuzuha nodded, unlocking the screen to his phone, swiping around and began typing on it. 

“Mm, I don’t think my brain can work any longer unfortunately.” He should have been more worried, since the test was in two days and he’s barely got anything down. But he feels guilty for keeping Kuzuha with him, and though he nodded, he’s probably tired too. It’s selfish to ask for more than you already have.  _ Besides… I could always stay back myself and revise. I can ask him questions in school instead _ . 

“You sure?” Kuzuha gave him a puzzled look that didn’t get any better after seeing him nod, though he didn’t say anything about it. Instead, packing up the stationary and notebook he left on the table. Kanae looked at him silently, letting his eyes rest for a while. He hadn’t noticed before, but his eyes stung every time he blinked, or moved them a bit too quickly. 

After checking that he got everything, Kuzuha turned to face Kanae, eyes inspecting him for something he didn’t know. “Don’t push yourself too hard, I’ll help you again tomorrow.” 

“Thank you.” He smiled, watching as his companion’s silhouette became smaller and smaller, until he disappeared from his sight. 

As soon as he was sure he was gone, he fell back on the chair, a sigh escaping his lips as he covered his face, his neck burning. He could feel himself warm throughout, he’s not used to someone being kind to him, or concerned about him like that. 

_ What am I supposed to do with this? _

But he doesn’t hate it. Not in the least bit. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It warms the cockles of my heart to know that not everyone hates this. I can’t believe there are people that actually liked this :o Anyways don’t have too high expectations. I'm not very good at writing, you’d only be disappointed in the end.   
> Now how was everyone this weekend? Was the Nijifes fun? The free parts were delicious.   
> Okay see you all (hopefully) next week. Bai bai


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t with this chapter. I don’t even know how to make it better so I’m just gonna post it and hope for the best. I’m not satisfied with it at all hhh. I swear I’ll get better in the future. I couldn’t bear to read through this properly (cringe) so there might be more mistakes than usual. I apologise for that.   
> Science test questions will not be written unless absolutely necessary. 
> 
> *Warning: Implied self harm 
> 
> Please tell me if I missed any! (in this chapter and future ones)

“Where’s Kanae?” 

“On the roof?”

“I checked, he’s not there.”

“Then he’s sick.”

Kuzuha didn’t know if he heard right. Sick?  _ He was perfectly fine yesterday. _ He must have let something show in his face, because Itsuki started explaining. 

“Kanae’s got a weak immune system so he gets sick really easily. He'll be back tomorrow.” His smile widened after seeing Kuzuha’s worried expression. “But if you’re so worried maybe you should go visit him.”

“Way to be subtle, Itsu!” A voice came from the other side of the class. 

“Shut up!” He shouted back, ignoring the ringing laughter that followed. “Well, I’ll send you his address later. Just in case you wanna go.” 

“Thank you.”  _ That bastard must have pushed himself.  _ He’d already told him to take it easy, can nobody listen to instructions? 

He sent a quick text to his mom, telling her that he’ll be staying back again today and checked the address Itsuki just sent him. 

It was a 15 minutes walk from school over, which made things infinitely easier for him to bite his companions head off. 

*

“Um… Kuzuha,” someone he didn’t know called him again. “Can you help me with some work?” 

“...Show me.” He figured it’d be fine if he helped her once, his only source of entertainment not in school. Classmate 1’s face lit up, shuffling to stand beside Kuzuha and showed him the question. 

“I don’t really understand this part.” She explained. “I know the formula but how do you find this? Isn’t it supposed to be…” 

“Ah no, that’s a common mistake. But it’s actually supposed to be…” Kuzuha watched as Classmate 1 jotted down what he said. It was surprisingly simple to explain to her.

“Ohhh, I get it now.” She did the calculations in her head and wrote down the final answer, hands clapping quietly. “Thank you!” She bowed slightly and ran back to her seat, answering the other questions in quick succession. Kuzuha stared at her for a few extra seconds before looking away. 

He couldn’t help but feel admiration for Classmate 1. He’s always turned anyone that wasn’t Kanae away when they asked for help, paired with his permanently emotionless face, it must have taken a lot of courage to walk up to him and ask him a question. And she was smart too. She understood what he had been trying to get to after one explanation where someone else would have taken way more. 

Or maybe his perspective was warped because of Kanae. Kanae would have needed thousands of repeating the same explanation in order to understand that question. Not that he minded, he wouldn’t have agreed to help him at all if that were the case. He’d just never helped anyone else before this, and it wasn’t as bad as he thought it’d be. 

He made a mental note not to turn her away if she ever asked for help again. 

*

School passed by in a blur Kuzuha didn’t want to recall. The topics he had learnt months ago finally being taught in school, burying his head in notes, the constant ache in his wrist, the incessant chatter of his friends, and the very obvious gap that was made in the absence of Kanae. 

He hadn’t known just how dependent he was on him until today, that he was practically the only person that ever sought him out to talk-- be it in the middle of class or in between. And though the rest had kept him company, they had their own things to deal with. (he doesn’t understand how Kanae managed to be there so much) 

It reminded him of the past. The past he’d almost forgotten about since he met them. The times he was alone, alone, and that was all he had. It hurt more than he was used to, his body having not been subjected to this pain for a while now. 

Though however awful it was, he found it nostalgic at the same time. His first friend. And he was somewhat reluctant when it turned and waved goodbye at him, the ache dulling as he neared his companion’s door. Then it was replaced by a muted excitement, focusing on the positives and oddly looking forward to seeing Kanae’s house for the first time. 

He was practically jumping up and down by the time he reached for the doorbell, even when there were a few questions that sneaked in through the cracks of his armor.  _ What if his parents are home? _ He’s never had a good experience with meeting parents and he was sure this wouldn’t be any different.  _ What if he kicks me out? _ Because who would want an uninvited guest in their house while they were still sick. 

But he forces his hand to press down anyways, ignoring all the protests in his mind and the insecurities that just wouldn’t let him rest. It was courtesy to invite someone into your house when they visit, Kanae would never turn him away. He took comfort in the fact that he could trap the boy with him, that he wouldn’t be rejected like he’d been so many times before. 

Standing with his hands swinging by his side, he could hear the shuffle of footsteps rushing to get to the door, the string of colourful curses the voice half shouted out as he bumped into what Kuzuha could only assume was a chair. He held back laughter at that, he’d never heard Kanae swear much in school, only ever an occasional ‘fuck’ or ‘shit’ when he was either joking around or couldn’t stop himself fast enough.  _ To hear him curse like that at home… _ He had to admit it was kinda cute. 

“If you’re a delivery man you’ve got the wrong apartment.” Kanae said as a greeting, his voice lower and more rasp than what it usually was. He had his body half hidden behind the door, his face popping up through the creek, a fever patch on his head and his fringes pulled back with a hair clip. He kept his face trained to the ground, his eyes probably closed since he didn’t recognise the leather shoes Kuzuha always wore. 

“An interesting greeting you have.” Kanae raised his head after hearing that familiar voice, storm blue eyes meeting blood red ones. Now that Kuzuha had a full view of his face, he could see that Kanae was really sick, his skin deathly pale, even paler than his own, and his cheeks flushed like the time he was running under the sun. 

“Kuzuha.” The sick boy slurred and he smiled, the same smile he showed him on the roof the first day they met. “What are you doing here?” His words sounded like something someone still under the effects of anesthetic would say, Kuzuha wondered how Kanae kept himself together enough to say the first sentence properly. 

“You weren’t in school and I got worried. Can I come in?” He blinked at him slowly, his smile still stuck on his face, though it didn’t seem any less genuine than it had a few seconds ago. He remembered that it was around this time where their eyes stopped smiling, their lips still curved up only out of politeness and nothing else. He stumped the embers of hope that rose, that perhaps he actually meant it, he knew better than to raise himself up just to see him fall. 

“Oh right, sorry.” Kanae apologised, his storm eyes clouded as he stepped aside and opened the door wider to let the boy in. “You want anything to drink?” He asked as he shut the door behind them, humming silently as he went to the kettle and poured water into two mugs even before confirmation. 

Kuzuha ignored him, used to Kanae doing whatever he wanted and surveyed the apartment, bag dropped onto the ground. Almost everything in his peripheral vision was white, white, and white, aside from the large wooden bookshelf that covered a whole wall, all sorts of different books lying on it in a flurry of colours and dust. The apartment itself looked modern, yet somehow cozy at the same time, he could smell something akin to flowers though there were none in sight-- but it wasn’t strong enough that he would feel nauseous. 

“Where are your parents?” 

“They’re out.” He ripped the coacao packet with a little too much strength, yelping as the brown powder sprayed all over his hands. “They’re always out.” Though his voice still sounded emotionless, with a hint of suppressed anger a stranger wouldn’t have been able to pick up. 

Not knowing how to respond, he just nodded and continued looking at the books. He could recognise quite a few of them, despite the wide range of genres it possessed, one book of fantasy and another non-fiction lying on top of the other. He didn’t want to touch on the topic of parents if it made Kanae uncomfortable, he wouldn’t want anyone prying if he were in his shoes either. 

“Like books too?” Kuzuha jumped, stumbling over his own feet as he turned around to the source of the voice, a blush creeping up his face and a hand over his ear. He hadn’t heard or sensed Kanae’s presence at all. Kanae laughed, his eyes clear once again and cheeks less flushed from when he first saw him. “Which one of these do you like?” He cut off Kuzuha-- who was going to say something about scaring him-- feigning innocence as he held out a red mug. 

He took it from Kanae’s hand gratefully, face brightening up as his tongue tasted the cream and the copious amount of sugar added into the hot chocolate. “Blue lily, lily blue or the Raven King. I haven’t read that series in a while.”

“Should have guessed you like the cursed ones.” Kuzuha made a noise at that.

“I could just like happy endings.” 

“Then you would have chosen something like the Illuminae Files.”

“That’s like, borderline comedy.” 

“I bet you like Foxhole Court too.” Seeing the shocked expression on Kuzuha’s face, Kanae knew he hit the mark, snapping his fingers and laughing at him. “See! I told you you like the cursed ones!” 

“How is Neil cursed?” Kuzuha flung his hands up in indignation, keeping extra care to make sure none of the hot chocolate spilled out of the mug. 

“There are many different kinds of ‘cursed’, Kuzuha. Neil was cursed to have a life on the run and not love anyone till he met the foxes.” 

“That’s your own interpretation.”

Kanae shrugged. “I think you like stories with people I believe are cursed then.” 

“And you?” Kuzuha sipped his drink slowly, savouring the chocolate that swirled on his tongue.

“Which books do you like?”

“Anything that’s interesting.” He answered without skipping a beat. “I’ll read anything that sounds like it’d be fun.” It sounded like a rehearsed answer, but Kanae was beaming so much Kuzuha didn’t have the heart to point it out. 

None of them carried the conversation on further, content with staring at the blank television while drinking their hot chocolates in silence. Kuzuha wanted to fall asleep to the warmth of the carpet he was sitting on, the slow intake and outtake of breath from the person sitting above him, and the soft scent of lilies washing over him. 

Until a foot hooked over his chest and his drooping eyelids opened up in a flash and never dropped again. 

“Don’t fall asleep.” Kanae scolded, bouncing his foot against Kuzuha. “You still haven’t told me why you came.”’

“I did,” Kuzuha said, catching the foot in mid air and holding it there with all his strength, though careful not to grip it too hard that it would hurt the boy. “I told you I got worried since you didn’t come. Also to teach you some science.” He added as an afterthought, remembering all the test papers he hadn’t finished in his bag. 

“Oops” Kanae smiled sheepishly. “Sorry I forgot about it. I have a bad memory.” 

“Doesn’t matter,” Kuzuha shrugged and took the bag he dropped, taking out a pile of papers. “Here, we’ll split it half half.” He separated them to two piles of roughly the same height, handing Kanae the one that felt lighter, his conscience letting him trick Kanae into doing his homework but drawing the line of taking advantage of him any further. 

“Right down to business?” Kanae raised his eyebrow, amusement lighting his eyes. “I should have let you sleep instead.”

“And fail your science?” Kuzuha clicked his tongue. “Doubtful.” Kanae giggled, flipping through the test papers he was just given. He slipped down to the spot next to Kuzuha, taking a pen from the coffee table and started twirling it around his hand as he read the first question carefully, concentrated in a way Kuzuha rarely ever sees him, made infinitely funnier with his hair pulled back and the fever patch still on his forehead. 

“Are you gonna start doing the paper or just stare at me for the rest of the day?” 

“Bold of you to assume I’d stay all day.” Kuzuha snorted, though he obediently stopped looking and flipped to the first question of the paper. 

And he was smacked in the face with dozens of questions he’s seen too many times to count. This was why he hated doing test papers, especially science. He would have ripped it all to shreds, or reduced it to ashes by now if his brother didn’t say he’d snitch to mom and dad about it. Now he was stuck doing this torture. 

The only comfort being the fact that Kanae was doing the same thing beside him, and that wasn’t much of a comfort at all. 

He could tell the boy was already getting confused by the questions, it wouldn’t be long before he gave in and asked Kuzuha for help. Being mentally exhausted today, he really didn’t think he could handle explaining that many things, much less repeat them or change them up for the boy to understand. Not that he’d say any of this. He’d made the decision to come, now he was paying the price, there was nothing he could do about it. 

“Ne~ Kuzuha.”  _ Ah, there it is _ . Kuzuha turned to him, looking at the paper in his hand then to his face again. “How do you do this…” He whines and somewhere in the middle of all of that, Kuzuha’s eyes flickered in and out of focus, the edges of Kanae’s figure blurring then shaperning then staying slightly blurred. He could see Kanae’s mouth moving, could vaguely hear his voice asking something about the question in front of him. But he couldn’t make out the words he was speaking anymore, and could just barely cling onto the words printed onto the paper. 

He knew he should be listening, to understand just where the boy went wrong or he just forgot what the formulas were again. He knew he should, but his body wasn’t his and his ears wouldn’t listen. He wasn’t underwater, his head wasn’t muddled. But he felt like he was drowning all the same, an invisible weight locking his body in place, the key being anyone but himself. His thoughts drifted, back and forth. He needs to get up, he tries to tell his body how important this was, tells it to twitch his finger so that-- like a domino effect-- he’d be able to move and focus again. 

But he wasn’t ‘anyone else’, and his body didn’t do anything.  _ Did Kanae stop speaking? _ He couldn’t hear the voice akin to background music buzzing about his ears anymore, he couldn’t hear anything aside from the electrical hum of the heater and then nothing, nothing, nothing. Kuzuha forced his eyes to look at Kanae’s face, studying the lines and curves and slight droop of his eyes, the cold hue and warm tint that somehow manages to coexist in the pupils of his storm blue eyes and then his lips, pressed into a thin line. Not moving. Probably hasn’t been moving for a while now. 

“Ah sorry,” The lock on his body released and dissipated into the air like it was never there in the first place. “Could you repeat that?” 

“Sure.” Kanae smiled and asked his question all over again without skipping a beat, not a hint of anger Kuzuha was prepared for in his voice. He tried his best to listen properly this time, playing with the pen in his hand to make sure he doesn’t fall back into the hole he had painstakingly crawled out of. 

“So…” Kanae said, a bit out of breath after explaining the whole thing. “How do I do this?” 

“I have no idea what the hell those theories you just said are.” Kanae winced internally. Kuzuha was many things, being brutally honest was but one of them. “I’ll just tell you how to do it…” He bent over the paper and started scribbling the formula, making extra care to explain it at every step to make sure Kanae understood what he was talking about. 

Which was something about… power? And using the formula? Science is somehow repeating yet not repeating the same thing all the time. He hates it. But he also hates most of the subjects he has. He wanted to throw the test paper somewhere no one would care to look and play games with Kuzuha for the rest of the day. But the test was soon and he really didn't want to fail. Which was why he ignored the splitting headache he had every time he moved a bit too quickly and tried so hard to do it properly in the first place. 

“Like this?” Kanae asked after Kuzuha finished explaining, writing down the formula, then the numbers, then the answer, silently beaming as Kuzuha nodded, clapping for him. 

“This is the first time you understood something on the first try, are you proud?” Kuzuha joked. 

“Sure I am.” Kanae huffed, trying not to be too ecstatic at getting one question correct. He still had dozens more to go after all. 

*

10, 20, 30 minutes passed with them just peacefully, and quietly doing papers, Kanae finally getting the hang of it and being able to complete these torture things without having to ask Kuzuha. Kanae wondered if they should take a break or if thirty minutes wasn’t enough to be considered long, his headache had gotten better but his limbs still felt like jelly and he was getting tired awfully quick. Maybe it was the hot chocolate, or the temperature, or K- 

He should really take a break. 

“Le-”

The door clicked open before he could finish his sentence, startling the both of them as they flipped their heads around to see who it was-- a woman looking no older than thirty, with her hair pulled back neatly, not a strand out of place. Isn’t that

“Mom?” Kanae’s voice sounded awfully small at this moment. 

“Kanae.” His mother looked at him with cold, blue eyes, sparing him but a glance before turning away to look at the boy half sitting, half standing beside him. “I didn’t know you had friends over.” Kuzuha bowed at her, his eyes trained to the ground. Almost as if he was too afraid to look at her. 

“He got worried since I didn’t go to school today.” Kanae forced a smile onto his face, and false cheer into his voice. “Are you already done with work? We’ll have to order takeout today since you’re home.”  _ Please don’t point it out please don’t point it out please don’t point it out _ . He didn’t want to explain to Kuzuha why his mother would ever be questioning why he was being what he was. Cheerful instead of the usual indifference he would have given her. 

Fortunately for him, his mother never really did care about him. Her face not changing once since he started with a smile. Was his head spinning more than before? He couldn’t really tell. 

“No,” His chest twinged, then settled down again. A feeling of nothing washing over him. He laughed at himself internally. Stupid for hoping his mother would be anything but what she was. “I left something at home so I’m coming back to take it.” Not waiting for an answer, she walked to her room, heels clacking behind her. 

Barely having time to turn to Kuzuha and explain what was happening (he wasn’t even quite sure himself), she came back out, a folder clasped in her hand. 

“I wish I could have stayed longer but I really have to go.” She apologised as she headed for the door, though mostly out of courtesy than genuine guilt. “Have fun and don’t push yourself.” And the door closed with nothing but a click. 

Kanae let the smile fall from his face almost immediately, bile rising up his throat as he turned his head away from Kuzuha, keeping his stinging eyes out of sight as he struggled to get air down his lungs, the monsters crawling out of the cage he locked them in. 

He’s falling into an abyss. An iron clamp around his ankle pulling him down, down, down. 

In.  _ What did you expect? _ The scars on his wrist itched again. 

__ Out _. Did you really think her attitude would change just because a friend was over? _ He wanted to pick at them, reopen the closed wound and watch as the blood welled and dripped down from his skin to the carpet. __

In.  _ If she didn’t care after that stunt you pulled, do you really think she would after this? _ He gripped his wrists as tight as he could, the itching getting worse. It stung and he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t breathe. 

__ Out.  _ Pathetic _ . He could hear the voices multiplying, getting louder, sneering. __

_ You shouldn’t have been selfish _ . 

He just wanted to be noticed. 

_ Was that really such an awful thing to ask for? _

He put a shaky hand over the mangled underside of his wrists. Nails biting into flesh, and dragged them down. It burned, like trailing embers along the nail marks. He did it again. Pressing down harder than he did before, hoping his nails would somehow be sharp enough for it to cut. It certainly stings like that. Like needles and knives and fire and ice and everything. 

Though it doesn’t quite do what he wishes, the cloud over his mind ebbed and waned, his thoughts less erratic and the roaring in his head quieted—but not gone.. He recalled the other person in the room and the secrets he’d kept. He searched his memories to see if he’d ever told him anything, coming up empty. He told him nothing. Not a single truth. But then again he’s never really told anyone. 

He wills his surging blood to chill to ice, bundling up his emotions, watching as silver fire burned them till nothing but ashes remained. 

Mom’s visit had caught him off guard, he wouldn’t let it happen again. 

Rearranging his face, a lie ready at the tip of his tongue. He pulled the sleeves of his shirt further down, leaving only his fingers peeking out. He hadn’t used enough strength for skin to peel off and the wound to start bleeding again, it would stay red for a while and then disappear. No marks no nothing. It might have been better if it left something. A physical reminder to the mistake he made, to ensure he doesn’t ever do it again. And then the thought disappears. Pushed down into another one of those mental doors Kanae has in his head. 

After another second wasted to collect himself, he pushed himself up and turned to face Kuzuha. He thinks a smile would be too much in this situation, so he keeps it off his face, opting for something like unrecovered shock. Judging from the pained expression on Kuzuha’s face, Kanae’s not sure he pulled it off right this time. 

“You okay?” He asks him in a soft voice, concern dripping excessively. 

_ No _ . The waves of emotions come crashing at him far too quickly.  _ I haven’t been okay in a long time. _ Someone once said he was a compulsive liar, Kanae couldn’t help thinking that maybe they were right. 

“Yeah,” He says instead. He hates how soft he’s become. “I didn’t know she’d come home. She didn’t even text me.” He doesn’t mention the fact that they never text each other. That she probably doesn’t even have his number. 

“People forget things, what can you do about it?” Kuzuha shrugged. Kanae was glad his companion was this understanding, he never pries or pushes for the things he’s reluctant to share, and he’d probably listen through whatever dark secrets you felt like spilling. 

“That’s true.” Kanae got back into what seemed to be the right rhythm and continued reading the test paper, one hand holding it up while the other picked at the carpet. He can’t get any more words out his throat, he tries and tries but his voice won’t work. And he’s glad. He’s afraid of the things he might spill if he could. 

Kuzuha seemed to notice it too, turning his head after one last glance at him and went back to his paper, humming a soft tune that sounds suspiciously like a lullaby just to calm him down. 

_ I don’t need it _ . He wants to snap at him. Tell him that he’s not weak enough to need someone else to take care of him like that. That he should save the concern for someone that deserves it. Not him, never him. But the weight on his shoulder lightens, and the static in his head seemed to quieten at the sound of his voice, silent but not consuming. So he keeps his mouth shut and enjoys the lullaby his companion hums for him instead. 

_ For me for me for me _ . 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somehow this turned into a full scale panic attack when I was only going to add in a tiny bit of conflict on Kanae’s side.   
> The books I mentioned in the story are all books sitting on my bookshelf. I really liked reading them so if you’re bored just take this as a book recommendation.   
> And if y’all don’t mind… could you tell me what you think about knkn and kzh’s personality? I just want to make sure I’m writing it right. Thank you!  
> Lol if no one answers this never happened  
> I wonder whose perspective next week’s chapter will be in…. (will I even be here next week XD)


End file.
